PANTS "R" US

WEEKENDERS 75 all out
NUTHURST 78-9
WCC lost by one wicket

Sometimes it takes until the last game of the season, or even a few days later, to bring out the true character of the team known as Weekenders.

Sunday began brightly in north London with the surprising news that the entire Barnsbury Limos fleet had become available to share the benefit of its recent £1300 refit with other members of the team for the journey down to Sussex. Across south London the phone lines had been humming over travel arrangements all week, while further north texting thumbs twitched over the likely performance of survivors from the club's agitprop with luxury furniture phase.

At the end of a busy week in which a cricketer called Graham had failed a drugs test and the Aussie team begun searching hurriedly for new stimulants before next year's Ashes series, Manager Hajela had wisely taken the precaution of stacking the side with the best available medical talent. Rumour also had it he'd been so impressed by the performance of the female half of the previous week's husband and wife combination that he had arranged for his 6-month pregnant wife to bat at number three, improvised protective gear over the bump, though this later proved one of the skipper's less reliable predictions. Whatever, the strain of managing the previous day's game had taken its toll on one fellow doctor, who reacted to questions about why the Surbiton taxi service was running late with a completely unfathomable remark. This apparently struck a chord with the skipper but made little sense to anybody else.

Despite some players' attempts to go to Boughton and messages that the game had been cancelled, a number of the team found their way to a different pub from that advertised for pre-match sharpeners. Tucking into bowls of chilli con carne washed down with the local ale, little did any of them realise that another of their number was still only 19 years of the way through his 20 year ban from the very same watering hole.

Onto the game itself. The Weekenders batting reacted to the unusual experience of being inserted by deciding the less time spent hanging around in the middle the better. Following a failed attempt at an Aussie tennis smash at one end and a couple of faulty medical diagnoses at the other, roars could be heard as far as Derby as the Squire of Bucks quickly got off the mark with a casual steer to third man, throwing the speculation between umpire and non-striker on the respective merits of the high-, mid- and low 3s into complete chaos. 

Early on, sages had suggested a score of 140 would be competitive; after a few minutes this had been hastily revised down to 120 and then 100, before those clutching at some very flimsy straws suggested that 75 was a nice round number. The skipper had invited everyone to join the party but hadn't told us where it was : all had concluded that it certainly wasn't out in the middle on a damp, bouncy wicket against steady Nuthurst bowling. And so it was that the boys decided 22.2 overs was as much time as they could be expected to occupy the crease, leaving the opposition's retiring senior pro tantalisingly two thirds of the way through a hat-trick as he contemplated figures of 1.2-1-0-3. 

In the absence of the club's leading heavyweight bowler, the skipper was forced to settle on a callow, inexperienced opening attack with only 93 years and not a single obesity rating between them. The refugee from Stoke on Trent donned the gauntlets as the club set yet another record, this time for the number of keepers in a season.

Something very strange then happened. In a performance that caused those present in Barnes on Saturday to question the efficacy of the local drug testing facilities, Weekenders fielders started catching the ball. Combined with top drawer bowling from Douglas and van der Borgh, this soon had the opposition desperate for tea at 35-4.

Amply refuelled and urged on by Dr Chiari's strange invocations as to the potential uses for the items in an Islington fast bowler's kitchen, the young tyro seamers kept the pressure on but the wickets dried up until the crowd, most of whom had arrived to watch our canny left armer on his local ground, decided they'd seen enough. Joy was then unconfined as the skipper clung on to a screamer at mid-on, before rotating his change bowlers cleverly at the fir trees end in an effort to gain a full appreciation of the local interpretation of the wides rule.

As the target crept into view, the game took on a whole new complexion when the navelly challenged seamer struck big time, bullying the umpire at the playground end into the first lbw decision of the day. There then followed a masterpiece of captaincy as the retiring host, fresh from a guard of honour on his way to the crease, holed out to the cunningly placed deep mid-wicket and when the opposition youth club rep guided his first ball to slip the burly film director's haul was up to 3 poles in 4 balls and 7 in total.

With the runs required down to 3 the batsmen risked a cheeky single to the fleet-footed Harvey at short mid-wicket but the shy at the stumps missed by a whisker. A flat batted boundary in the next over meant that the locals had squeaked home by the narrowest margin possible. A fitting end to a very entertaining game in a lovely village green setting. To paraphrase Mark "Jack Bannister" d'Inverno's reaction to events at the Oval the previous evening, "cricket was the winner".


Thus the season ended in high drama. The team then settled in for the traditional post-match therapy session at the local hostelry, happy in the thought that the talking time would have little or no trouble outlasting the playing time.

A number of gems from ancient history emerged. It has been common knowledge for a long time now that WCC members are never knowingly shy of resigning from any position of responsibility. It's almost as well known that Julian Lyons is something of a wordsmith. But until Sunday, very few of us knew that the back catalogue includes a formal letter of resignation from friendship with his sometime alter ego, or that anyone doubting this story can check out said item by visiting Simon van der Borgh's downstairs toilet.

Old-timers racked their memories to think when any Weekenders bowler had bettered Simon's figures of 7-30. One suggested "Big" Jon Nail had once done something special, another that "Flat" Pete Simmonds had both a 7- and an 8-fer somewhere in his bag. By now the beer was flowing, so any chance of an accurate recollection had disappeared. (WCC historians everywhere and anyone else with access to the internet will be aware the betrothed off-spinner had a spell of 8-46 in 1998, though it is understood any other players present at the unspecified match have not been seen since.)

In a move designed to keep the sauvignon blanc flowing in north London for several months and raise a cheer in Leyton, the Squire of Bucks nobly took it upon himself to guard the team kit for the winter, acknowledging that the largest car and house in the club might just provide more space than a narrow hallway in Camden.

The skipper thanked Secretary Douglas for his sterling efforts throughout the year as fixture secretary, webmaster, match reporter and tireless strike bowler. A sentiment strongly endorsed by all present. Other speeches were strangely muted, and with only a few hours to go at the time of writing, it looks being the first September for many years that the club has not witnessed a skipper's resignation speech.

A number of boys got their winter resolutions in early - if the promises made over the weekend are fulfilled, it's going to be a bumper period for shoulder surgeons, physios and opticians across the country.

As ever, the club will be seeking new players for the 2005 season. Anybody of either sex with a good sense of humour and able to stand upright welcome - if they can bowl accurately above 50mph, hold a bat effectively for more than 10 minutes and/or clutch onto more than one chance in four, that would be a real bonus.

Finally, a word of thanks to all who have contributed to another hugely enjoyable season. In particular, to those who've done a stint in "the toughest job in the world" (match management), and to Captain Mark d'Inverno for his leadership and unfailing good humour. By common consent the best year ever - at least since 2003.


STATS

WCC 75 all out (22.2 overs)
M.Harvey 3, Hogben 44, Hargroves 0, Chiari 7, Lyons 1, d'Inverno 0, White 1, Hajela 0, Douglas 5*, van der Borgh 1, Vuletich 0,  Extras 13

Nuthurst 78-9 (31.2 overs)
Samways 41*
Douglas 13-2-27-2, van der Borgh 15.2-6-30-7, Harvey 1-0-4-0, Chiari 1-0-2-0, Hargroves 1-0-7-0

Catches: Hargroves 2, Hogben 2, Chiari 1, d'Inverno 1, Lyons 1


POSTSCRIPT

News broke on Tuesday confirming just how close are those bonds of friendship which bind all Weekenders together. It seems that in the euphoria at the end of Sunday's closely fought contest, attention to detail when changing clothes after the game was not quite what it might have been. As a result, one of the club's senior pros had inadvertently spent two days wearing Julian Lyons' underpants. As Pod himself said, "I'm indebted as they've proved comfortable, reliable and have got me through one or two quite tricky situations." The full ramifications of this tale are not yet apparent.